Off and Running

It's been a long couple of weeks. I'm eight months pregnant. Wow, how the hell did that happen? When two people love each other very much, or are sorta tanked, or when a mommy and turkey baster, or choose your own scenario... and 40 weeks later a baby comes out! I am officially through 32 of those 40 weeks. Woah Momma.

Out in the world people are gearing up for Halloween, the costumes and the candy and the decorations are all starting to show up in stores. And that really scares me because hello! Mr. Penelope Anne-Danzig Fujikawa is due on Halloween. Also, the floors aren't done (haven't even picked them out yet) I haven't painted, we have zero baby furniture and um, catastrophe, catastrophe, catastrophe!

What can I tell you about being eight months pregnant? Um, it sucks. I can tell you that. I will not go so far as to claim I've had thee suckiest pregnancy ever, because compared to just about everyone else I know who has had a baby already my pregnancy has been a cake walk. Still though, there's no getting around the third trimester. Believe me, I have tried. In fact, I tried so hard that it was nearly to the detriment of my person. Don't worry though, I am being realistic now, I learned my lesson. Just because I am physically capable of all sorts of fantastical feats it doesn't mean I should run off and join the circus.

It's hard though, you know? A bit of a blow the the old ego. Which is weird for me. I'm not especially familiar (at this stage in my life, don't even ask the me of 10 years ago) with knowing I can do something and then not doing it. It feels like cheating a little bit. I read about the things my friends are doing and I get really excited, I want to do those things too! But I'm not supposed to start anything new right now! And I've already found out that I cannot really operate at full speed anymore. Even if I think I can, the end result is not bueno.

So I'm in this weird space, where I really want to do all kinds of things, but I really need to put off doing those things for a few more months. And you know what? I kind of resent it and that makes me feel really guilty. Like, I should be basking in the glow of my third trimester and getting all into motherhood, but instead I just want to start running again and lose the baby weight (and the weight that I was gearing up to loose before Mr. Penelope was invented).

It's not just a fitness thing either, I'm ready to go back to school. I know, I've only been out of school for six months or something, but I totally am ready to get my learn on again. It gives me BIG FAT UGLY HEAD REARING UNDER THE TABLE HIDING anxiety to think about how long it's going to take me to finish my second degree, whatever it ends up being in (hopeless, I know) , but still. I'm ready to start knocking down prerequisites and filling my brain up with shit that my brain isn't used to being filled up with.

It's a work in progress. I've been as honest as I can about this with my DH ("as I can" because it's hard to explain the crazy sometimes) and he is way supportive. In fact, he's so supportive he comes up with ways I can satisfy my desire to do new things without hurting myself or the babes. Planning on taking hard science classes? Why don't you check out some hard science books from the library? Know you're going to have to make peace with mathematics? Pull out your old algebra books from community college! Want to start running/working on pushups/doing a hundred situps/whatever? Go on a walk every day!

Really, none of that had occurred to me. In my head it was all sink or swim. Preparing myself for the time when I could dedicate myself to the pursuits I am most attached to wasn't even a blip on my radar. That I couldn't do those things was setting off alarms all over the place though and making for one very dissatisfied Momma.

So I'm working on it, trying not to panic about all the things I could be doing; trying not to self flagellate for not doing things that I am technically capable of doing, but that are stressful to my person; trying to focus on what I can do, on what I am doing and how in a couple months I'm going to give birth to a baby human. Talk about fantastical feats!

I'm having a baby, woah. Still cannot wrap my head around that one. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's an octopus.